– Figment of Imagination –

I wrote this about two nights ago after getting some inspiration and I feel like I should share it 🙂

It’s currently very deep into the night, but I’ve had a burst of inspiration. I’m not sure where I’m going with this to be completely honest, but I’m going to let the Lord search me and type for me.

For a lack of better words, this has been an interesting year. Going into 2019, I knew this would be my year of firsts. I have my first boyfriend, I went to my first all-nighter event, and I even stayed away at my first sleep-away retreat. Growing up homeschooled, I missed out on opportunities and events that I expected to experience. Like, football games, rallies, cliques, and an emotional graduation with my constant friend group, just like the movies. I spent my whole life craving the life of a movie. I was always looking for ways to become a character. A figment that was formulated by a person’s imagination.

There’s something bitter in the idea of a character in a movie. The beautiful girl with her life in shambles. But I feel as though there’s something only I overthink about characters. A person, like you and me that wished to be something other than themselves, may have been the foundation of that character. Someone craved being a different human in existence so intensely that they created their, dream capturing, false reality by formulating a character. A real personality, a body, a real life with real overdramatized problems, and real feelings. Someone who wished to be something else became the god of their fantasy.

Again, my whole life I’ve wanted to be the characters in the shows I watched. Their mannerisms, their tasteful fashion, the luxury, I wanted to be them with a dash of myself. But I feel far. When I asked God to search me, I never expected Him to convict me enough to admit it to you. The person I wanted to be is the furthest thing to God I could ever be, and I feel far. The sparks of fantasy are so seemingly magical, the magic of God is outshined. How dare I shine the dark brighter than the light. It’s so like me to be so in love with God verbally but not feel the extreme love I should be feeling emotionally.

Who is this figment? Why do I want to become them and push God to the side? Life isn’t a movie, and neither is God. God cannot be compressed to the size of a 60-inch flat-screen tv. But, God is here. He’s inside my heart. How can God be inside a tiny human heart but not in a tv? That’s just it, God doesn’t need to explain Himself. His existence cannot be put in a box, but it fits in my heart, and that’s all we know. That’s all we need to know.

God is endearing and powerful. Whoever that character is, will never be God. Becoming that character will never fulfill me. Becoming that character is distorting what God wants for me. It gets so fuzzy it’s almost as if I’ve been intoxicated. Not by the substances you had in mind, but by begging for a false reality so intensely that it consumes me. The reality where there is ALWAYS a happy ending with minimal sufferage. My aunt and I had a conversation today, and some things that were said stuck with me. She said, “Life in movies is only 2 hours until the happy ending, life with God is a whole lifetime until the happy ending. Some people don’t even see the happy ending here, they die before they get there.” In my quick response, I stated, “With God, the happy ending is death.” I just now realized how much truth there was in her statement that brought out the truth in mine. One day I will die and go to heaven. That is my happy ending. Who will be that character then? Who is that character now? It’s still a figment of someone’s imagination. That character doesn’t go to heaven, it doesn’t exist. My happy ending isn’t after living the life of that character, it’s after living the life God chose for me and glorifying Him until I meet Him.

I am a real person, formulated by God’s, oh so creative, mind and made real. I am His child, I’m no longer just a figment of His imagination. I cannot be compressed to the size of a 60-inch flat-screen tv. I am a real human created by God in His own image. A human’s created character could never compare to God’s created human.

But then again, maybe I’m overthinking things. Perhaps that figment is merely a creative platform. An ignorant way of using their God-given talent. Just the same, the truth still stands. God is here, and I am His child. That is my life and it’s who I was created to be. – A

Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness.”

Genesis 1:26